im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So much Jack, so little girl.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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