I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
