just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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