woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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