I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
