Screwed.edu
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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