Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
