i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
