Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
