Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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