The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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