Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
