I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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