Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
