Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He shit in the fireplace
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
