Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
