True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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