My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize