i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
