Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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