the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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