I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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