I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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