Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
