Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
