You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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