you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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