When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
