There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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