I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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