My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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