i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
