my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
