hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he was CRYING into my vagina
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
