If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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