The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
