Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My ATM looks so different sober.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
