i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
