Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
