Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
there is glitter all over my balls
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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