I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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