Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
