I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
