my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
