I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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