smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
