you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
