Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
