Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
