Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
