im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
