Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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