At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
just tell him i said nine months
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
