Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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