Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
